Wow – I really shouldn’t publish posts when I’m in an emotional state, they always make me cry again later. I let down my guard a bit and all the stuff I have bottled up inside comes to the surface.  It actually feels good to feel right now, even when I’m miserable.  I know that doesn’t make much sense, but I’ve become too good at hiding and burying my feelings and I’ve been working on them this week.

It’s amazing how much this trip has opened my eyes. I’ve been living in a deep, dark hole for a long time – I’ve posted about my battle with depression in the past – and the fact that I’ve just come to accept some things scares me. I’m like the frog in a pot of water and the heat has been slowly turned up. Denial has become my life.

I visited my brother’s grave this week.  I miss him terribly.  He was one of the few links to my childhood/living at home and there are only 3 other people in the world that know all of the stuff he knew.  He was the source of much laughter and the maker of the best scrambled eggs.  We didn’t always get along growing up, but as we got older he learned to keep his mouth shut and I often looked the other way.  Before he died, he lived with us for a while, after someone threatened his life.  He was the one that drew my tattoo and we went together on Cinco de Mayo 1998 to get them done together.  I’m thinking about getting it touched up soon (I never went back after it healed) and adding some more color to it.

So, I’m taking baby steps backward – to the person I started out to be. The silly, spontaneous and fun-loving one. The one that’s not afraid to cry or tell someone that I love them because they might not love me back. The one that hangs it all out there and deals with the good and the bad outcomes. I’m dropping the martyr jacket in the trash and getting on with life.

So in honor of that, this afternoon, I have an appointment to get my hair cut.  Confession time – it’s been a year since I’ve had it cut.  I’m going to ask her to bring a little of the sexy back.

I needed someone very special to tell me it was still there and to give me the push in the right direction.  I don’t know how it’s all going to end up, but I still have hope it’s not too late.  I’m going to hang onto the good for now and wait for the great.  However long that is.

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